Category: Loss

Fall from Grace

The sound of your voice
Lingers in my head
Your words carved in stone
Like a gravestone for the dead
Breath caught between
My lungs and throat
Leaving me speechless
With no sound to emote
Encircling me as you fire
your ammunition
Not yet triumphant
Until my dissolution
Vex until prey exhausted
Seeing the fear in my eyes
Continue your blasting
Ever a reason to chastise
Always the possibility
Your feelings would turn
Ultimately rejecting me
Like the proverbial worm
An irritation to your delicate self
My face no longer fits your picture
I’m not stroking your ego
Nor resembling your descriptor
Drowning my livelihood
In the sea of your discontent
Regarded as your property
Finding a way to circumvent

Christine Bolton – Poetry for Healing ©

Word Prompts:

Encircle

Dissolve

Vex

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Photo by Rhett Wesley on Unsplash

 

Longing

Longing through her tears
She sees the child with no fears
A vision in a dress of blue
A pretty ribbon in her hair
A photo taken with care
Capturing the early morning hue

Standing by her mother with pride
Family dog sitting on the other side
She looks lovingly at the image
Yearning for that period of purity
Representing her cherished security
A familiar landscape to envisage

Safe holding her mother’s hand
Happy to be in her wonderland
A place where someone hears her cry
The dog loved and never forgot
Colorful flowers in their pretty pots
A vivid recollection in her memory

The grass so green and mowed fresh
Sunlight peeking through gossamer mesh
Are these just ghosts from the past
That are summoned on command
To rejuvenate the soul and understand
Bringing her needed comfort at long last

Precious moments captured
Were too soon fractured
Locked in a paper memory
Bad experiences tend to stay
Happy memories fade away
Innocence remembered in a reverie

Dreams were forgotten
As lives turned rotten
With the passing of years
Happiness a lesson hard to revince
Lost in feelings unable to convince
Anything wished for just disappears

Christine Bolton

Fandango one word challenge: Lesson

Word of the Day Challenge: Rejuvenate

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The Reader

Sweet sounds of the mourning dove
The sun filtering through the trees
A clearing full of buttercups and
Daisies fluttering in the summer breeze

You are sitting under the oak
Reading your book so intently
Not noticing my arrival
I observe you patiently

Your hair thick and dark
Glasses on the tip of your nose
Long legs stretched out
Sitting in a comfortable pose

Your book is of course a classic
Catcher in the Rye
You have read it a dozen times
Only you know why

You are in your special place
I do not want to disturb
Happy to be observing you
I will not perturb

Engrossed in your reading
I will watch you for a while
You do not see me
But I am giving you a smile

In nature’s mystical playground
Infused with its energy
I yearn for you from afar
But we can no longer be

I am your past
Gone now from this life
We were once together
When I was your wife

Christine Bolton

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Affinity

Affinity

We are drifting apart
No words have been spoken
We no longer seem to have an affinity
The string on our yo-yo is broken

Like running against the wind
Or going in different directions
Our one has become two
And we have lost our connection

It is debilitating
To lose our other half
Sadness engulfs
And we no longer laugh

Not being with you
Can hurt so much
Like walking with a limp
When there used to be a crutch

Where did this go wrong
I will never understand
We were two peas in a pod
Anything we could withstand

My sense of self
Has begun to wane
An amputee
Suffering a loss with pain

The gild came off the rose
Followed by our rift
We did not take care
Of our precious gift

Our two broken pieces
Will never be mended
Damage was done
But any harm unintended

What is to be the next step
We will have to decide
I fear I will wander aimlessly
Without you at my side

Christine Bolton

Word Prompt of the Day Affinity

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Complication

Complication

You never told me
How could this happen?
I feel kicked in the stomach
The hurt is more than you can imagine

I am betrayed by you
You have been living a lie
What was supposed to be
Will never come, so its goodbye

We spoke of love
Our future was mapped
I had started to believe
But you say you felt trapped

What is wrong with you?
That you could not explain
Your words lacking commitment
Have caused so much pain

Yes it is a Complication
What a word you have chosen
So carelessly delivered
I am left a woman broken

Go on your way I say
We have nothing left in common
Take with you your lies
You will be easily forgotten

Christine Bolton

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Love and Pain – How Animals Enrich Our Lives

Sienna

I know they are not, but in my opinion these two words, love and pain, should be synonymous.  One doesn’t exist without the other and they are the evil twins of vocabulary.  The good twin gives the love and the evil twin delivers the pain.

Love is our oxygen.  We breathe it in and we feel our spirits lift to the point of being light-headed and giddy. Just when we are drunk on love, it gets snatched away and we suffer with the pain like a hangover.  I much prefer love.

When I reflect on love and pain I first think of the happiness and anguish of human relationships, although the same applies to the bond we have with our pets.  We have come to rely on them for companionship and of course love, but more and more, we depend on them as service dogs or service animals to help us both physically and emotionally.  They are an important part of our lives and as a result deep bonds are formed.  I began to think about all the animals that came in and out of my life and what they meant to me.

I must say of every pet I have owned, whether cats, dogs, tortoises, fish, small birds, exotic big birds and horses, they all presented me with a personality that was suited to mine at that time in my life.  I fondly remember some of the antics of my menagerie of pets over the years and the unconditional love they gave me.

My first cat as a child became my best friend who endured hours of torture being dressed in baby clothes and wheeled around in a stroller. He was so much more fun than a doll. As I would lay on the floor doing my homework, and usually fretting over it, he would climb onto my back and park there, purring, for the duration.  He was the best buddy an 8 year-old girl could have.

One time I came home from work to find my young Golden Retriever had chewed every possible thing he could reach, from hairbrush to can opener to gnawing right through the drywall until he reached the stud.  He was actually sitting triumphantly on top of the dining room table when I came into the house.  What could you do?

Then there was the duckling that waddled out from under the couch one evening as I watched TV.  Where he came from I’ll never know and the cat just sat there washing himself nonchalantly as if it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

I still wonder how, and which one of the three cats I owned, managed to get the live pigeon through the cat door and let him live until I came home from work.  I’ll never forget unlocking the door and all three black cats were lined up in the hallway staring at me as I entered.  I remember thinking that didn’t look right.  I turned around to close the front door and there sat the terrified pigeon. Who knows how long he had been sitting there.  Poor thing.  He could have had a heart attack as they probably taunted him for hours.

Then there was my sweet Mastiff who, while carrying a headless squirrel in her mouth, tried to bring it into the house for me. This beautiful docile dog was so excited to share it!  Have you ever tried blocking a determined 150 lb. dog from coming through a door? It wasn’t easy. I still refuse to believe she decapitated it, but it still haunts me.

Every one of these wonderful, funny creatures, and others I have not mentioned, brought such pleasure to my life, and for the small price of a good home and some food, they gave me so much love and some pretty unusual gifts!  If I was sad, a head would plop onto my lap or a paw would be laid on my knee. Or that purring in my ear and a kitty cat shoulder massage would bring a smile to my face and make my troubles disappear.  I remember sitting in my horse’s stall and crying over something that would bring an end to the world, and he would nicker just to let me know it was OK.  Happy days for them would be a car ride, always guaranteed to excite, maybe picking out a new toy at the pet store, or a gallop across the fields.  Their needs were so simple and all they wanted was to be with me.  Unfortunately our pet’s time with us is not long but the pleasure they bring lasts a lifetime.  Although I never will understand how man’s best friend, can live such a short life and a parrot or tortoise can live until they are 75!

When the dreadful day comes and the Evil Twin pays a visit, some difficult decisions have to be made.  This is hard on all of us and facing the inevitable can be heart wrenching.  It hasn’t been too long since we said goodbye to our Chocolate Lab.  We were not given the opportunity to even make that difficult decision as she was taken from us so suddenly by a freakish, large dog condition and could not be saved.  It was a devastating loss and we still have moments of such sorrow when she pops into our minds or we see another Lab.  I wrote the following poem shortly after losing her and I read it whenever I am feeling sad or I’m reminded of her.  It always helps and brings a smile to my face as I remember her sweetness.

I hope it reminds you of a four-legged friend or dear pet that might have lost.

Thank you for reading this.

Christine

Sienna

Your restless feet in the morning, anxious to communicate
Always thoughtful and considerate, but you could barely wait
Even when you needed our attention, you wanted to please
But we loved you so dearly we would drop to our knees

Sienna, your sweet look, always a happy puppy-doodle-doo
Your daily ritual meant we had so much love for you
You had your order of how things should be
And we followed you through the motions because your joy was ours, you see

Our world revolved around you and your happiness was important
Whatever it took and no matter the cost, we would never be complacent
We were blessed with your warmth and goodness every day
But what a cruel world it was that took you away

Our sadness and grief are beyond unbearable
And the loss of you completely unacceptable
Our memories are fresh in our hearts and will not fade soon
Our thoughts of you warm and loving and should be placed in a balloon

We would then send it up, way into the sky
Off into the wild blue yonder where dogs might fly
With a wish that it would find you somewhere, happy, healthy and content
And you would read our words to know that for us, it was as if you never went

You will never be forgotten and hope you are not alone
Our love for you is deep, as if carved in stone
We miss you so much our sweet chocolate dog
If we spell dog backwards then there is a God

Christine Bolton

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Can you grieve the loss of something you never had?

Can you grieve the loss of something you never had?

The answer, simply, is yes.

A young friend of mine has just shared some sad news.  She was pregnant for the first time but had a miscarriage a few days ago. She and her husband looked forward to this special event with a guarded optimism.  They had kept their special secret until the first trimester had passed and for all intents and purposes my friend should have moved into the dreamy second trimester.

My heart goes out to her at such a difficult time, as I personally know the devastation she is feeling, not just from the physical pain, but the emotional pain that will unfortunately stay with her for a very long time. Unless you have gone through such a traumatic experience it can be incomprehensible.

In my case I realized something was terribly wrong. I knew what was happening and there was nothing I could do about it.  I prayed it was just a scare and not a miscarriage but it was too late.  I will never forget how I felt and what a severe sense of loss I experienced.  It was so profound and it stayed with me for a long time.  I managed to be rational, and realized I would recover eventually, but the miscarriage was hard to accept.  Naturally there is an emotional connection between a mother and her baby in the womb, so the sense of loss was real.  There is also the loss of future.  Hopes and dreams dashed through no fault of anyone.  It’s also possible to feel guilt at this time because you think of all the other expectant mothers who experience not one but multiple miscarriages and they manage to go on, never giving up on their dream.

My young friend will experience all of these confusing thoughts.  Her physical pain will pass quickly but her emotional pain will stay with her for a long time.  She is brave and has youth on her side so I am certain she will have every opportunity to experience life’s miracle and have the family future she longs for and rightly deserves.

The following poem came to me quickly perhaps because it came from a personal experience. I hope you enjoy it.

Loss

My heart is full with news to share
We learn we will no longer be a just a pair

An addition to our family will come in June
Such excitement all around, it can’t come too soon

Things to consider and people to tell
Names thrown around like Anna and Rafael

I am so full of joy my mind is racing
Things to buy and bargains for chasing

A room to decorate and fill with love
A precious gift as if sent from above

But the black cloud came and darkened our lives
Stripped us of happiness and cut like a knife

Swift was its blow that knocked us down
The pain hurts so much I think we will drown

The loss is difficult and hard to comprehend
What did we do wrong for our joy to end?

The sunshine has disappeared and the skies are gray
Try again, we are told, it is going to be okay

It happens frequently or so it appears
But it’s hard to accept what has happened right here

We will cross the bridge that lies up ahead
Confident that our future will not hang by a thread

To lose something you never had is somehow surreal
But with love and understanding we will begin to heal

The creation we lost will stay in our hearts forever
One day soon another will come, so never say never

Christine Bolton

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