Category: Pain/Sadness

Pedigree

Pedigree

You do what you always do
When confusion fills your head
The pain in your gut is real
And I begin to fear with dread

The cross hairs of your frustration
Had me squarely in its sight
You took aim and fired
I fell victim to its flight

You were doing what was taught
The apple does not fall far from the tree
Your mother’s anger toward you
Is now aimed at me

It causes such pain in our lives
But you cannot help your ancestry
No more than I can
Because this is our Pedigree

The lessons were taught
When we were so young
We have to break the cycle
Before more harm is done

The family tree is responsible
For more than we would care to choose
Our lineage defines us
And it is not so easy to lose

Christine Bolton

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The Dark Mind

The Dark Mind

Why is it possible for someone, who appears to have everything, to be depressed?  Why does this happen to people who, to those looking in, seem so happy and content with their lives?

At times in our lives we have all experienced a form of depression and for the most part we understand what has been the cause.  Severe emotional distress can send us spiraling downwards.  While some of us manage to bounce back from isolated incidents with rational thinking and processing, many cannot do so. Depression can manifest itself in many different ways and is easily mistaken for tiredness, laziness and even rudeness.  Finding any one thing to pinpoint the cause of depression can also be confusing for the sufferer.  Like many other disorders, clinical depression falls on a continuum, from mild to moderate to severe. A mildly depressed person might feel badly a lot of the time but manage to keep up appearances, whereas a severely depressed person often can’t drag himself or herself out of bed.

I too have had moments of deep sadness, loneliness and confusion but I was fortunate in that I found my way out of the tunnel by writing. I do know someone who suffers from inexplicable depression at times.  They find it difficult to explain to non-sufferers and would like nothing more than to be free of those dark feelings.

Below is a poem that I wrote some years ago to describe how I was feeling.  It was a confusing and difficult time for me.  The writing helped and I encourage anyone struggling with feelings of sadness to do the same.  It does not have to take the poetic form; it can be a journal entry where you just let the pain or confusion you are feeling to spill on to a page.  I always find it beneficial to keep writing and not stop until I have exorcised all my thoughts.  Depression however is a very serious condition and I do not want to make light of it.  If you know of someone who is suffering with depression or anxiety please urge him or her to get professional help.

I hope in some small way that you will find this helpful.

Thank you for reading.

Christine

The Dark Mind

I wake with the cloud over my head
I think perhaps it is fear
Which sucks me into the abyss
Where it is impossible to navigate
The way back to sanity

I do not understand
I’m not sure what to do
I must leave this place
And exorcise these feelings
Of impending disaster and failure

My gloomy thoughts need obscurity
The desire for solitude calls me outside
To the soothing blackness of the night
A chill is in the air
And the rain falls in silence

Darkness comes quickly, consuming me
Casting a shadow on the beauty
That is my life
I walk quickly bracing against
The unexpected sudden chill

Collecting the somber thoughts in my head
I ask why does this happen
When everything is so perfect?
There is no reason for my complicated state
So why do I have to carry this albatross on my back?

With a resentful tolerance and
Comprehension of my shortfalls
I accept what is not perfect in me
Knowing there is no explanation
So I will send this unwanted burden on its way

Christine Bolton

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From a Dark Place

I wrote this poem at a low point in my life when I had experienced emotional pain.  I felt helpless in my situation and was sure my heart was broken irreparably and my head would certainly explode.  When I look back on poems such as this, I am always so taken aback by the darkness of my thoughts and the sheer helplessness that I felt at that time. I eventually got beyond the hurt and was able to live a happy life again, but I find it quite shocking to revisit that state of mind.  Just the act of writing down these feelings has proven to be therapeutic.  It shows me that by letting my words flow onto paper, to describe those emotions and question why, I was able to heal and move on.

I hope these words of mine will somehow resonate with you.

Despair

The darkness came so suddenly
Enveloping me and dragging me into a pit of despair
Blinded and scratching for clarity
Shocked by the swiftness of events, I call to you
You do not hear

You do not listen, you are closed
What is evident is your hurt and anger
As much as I try, you resist me
I want to help and heal your wounds
That were so carelessly inflicted in your past

Dazed and confused
I am lost without you
My love spurned and my efforts rejected
My promise to keep you safe from future pain
Falls on deaf ears

The loss of you is too much to bear
My hurt is deep
Like the slice of a knife through my heart
It will not heal
I did not know how broken you were
And now I know to my detriment

Christine Bolton

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