Category: Pain

Demise

Demise

The moody music you are playing
Is no friend to my disposition
I am trying to wrap my arms
Around our imminent demise

Someone so focused and organized
I am at a loss for what to do next
Spinning in circles of confusion
With tears in my eyes

Angry words screamed at each other
Shameful and painful
Why do we do this to each other?
There is never a winner or a prize

Not willing for further confrontation
I slip into the quiet
You are not finished though
And you seek to further chastise

Fleeing to alternative quarters
To avoid another onslaught
I am followed like a shadow
You continue to antagonize

If you don’t want me to respond
Then let this battle cease
You will not wear me down
I will fight until I capsize

Mellifluous words spoken
Would be music to our ears
Why don’t we stop and listen
We are just spewing out lies

Where will this end?
How many times have I asked myself?
I am blinded by many emotions
Which are difficult to rationalize

Frozen in time
I fear the next move
Will you continue to be umbrageous?
Or will we reach a compromise?

Christine Bolton

In response to Cyranny’s Cove Word of the Day: Mellifluous

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Blame

Blame

You blame the government
For the news
You blame the news
For more than you can use
You blame the newspaper
For the subscription you can’t cancel
You blame them all it is such a scandal
You blame the restaurant
Your favorite is no longer on the menu
You blame them because
We have to find another venue
You blame me for not wanting to emigrate
Please give it a rest we are at a stalemate
You forget I have already migrated here
Why would I move again because you have the fear
Even our car ride that took us out of town
You were the one who had the meltdown
You are alpha male and king of the road
You would not let me drive you said I drive too slow
You know my car phobia and you paid me lip service
But it so selfishly became your catharsis
You unloaded on me mocking my anxiety
How can I trust an unforgiveable atrocity
Four days of hell that’s what I have been through
Trying to understand all these things that you spew
There are no clues to what will portend
I can only hope this is not the end

Christine Bolton

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Silence

Silence

I’ve been here before
I know the drill
From this moment on
It goes downhill

The irritation begins
Nothing I say is right
In fact it is all so wrong
And you’re ready to fight

I try to reason
It is going nowhere
It’s hard to understand
As I watch you flare

I will not give up yet
Because this is so stupid
Although reasoning with you
Is always disputed

Eventually my will is broken
And silence ensues
It’s a familiar tactic
And you will always accuse

Silence really is golden
When no one speaks
The fighting stops
The paranoia peaks

Memories from childhood
Surge to the front
As the child in the middle
I bore the brunt

Parents always fighting
I was the referee
They would refuse to speak
Unless it was through me

It’s all so familiar
I’m almost a pro
I could go the distance
In this debacle of a show

There is no claim to fame
There are only losers here
Break the cycle now
Or just disappear

Christine Bolton

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Satin

Satin

Caressing my mind
Conveying your lies
Your velvet tongue
Devouring the prize

Murmurs in silk
Smooth and sensuous
A charade acted out
The ending treacherous

Satin words
With claws of rust
Etched into my heart
It was a breach of trust

With silver charm
And a propensity for deceit
Another conquest was yours
Corpse at your feet

Overwhelmed by your audacity
Naïveté notwithstanding
Your intentions toward me
Were not a misunderstanding

Distinctly seeing
The tenacity of your intent
I am no fool of yours
And make clear my discontent

Slink off into the darkness
Trophy in hand
The ending of the story
Was just as you planned

Christine Bolton

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This is written in response to The Tales from the mind of Kristian Word Prompt: Satin

Flabbergasted

Flabbergasted

Shock and Awe
How can this be?
You have done it again
And made a fool out of me

I never see it coming
Always blind to your charms
I am jelly at the knees
And welcome you to my arms

Why do I not realize
How you can be so devious
I really am pathetic
Is it so obvious

I am an easy prey
For your wickedry
How your mind works
Will always flabbergast me

A poor excuse for a man
You are such a parasite
Feeding off others
As if it’s all right

You take what satisfies you
Shameless and selfish
My anger toward you
Bordering on hellish

Enough is enough
I can take you no more
Stay away from me
And never darken my door

Christine Bolton

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Broken

Broken
Broken like the clock
On the mantle
Broken like the wing
Of a Bird
Broken like
The egg in the bowl
Broken like the silence
Of the words never heard

A heart left in pieces
After you rendered your speech
You have exited my world
And you are now out of reach

Feeling shattered and
Broken in a thousand parts
It is the sliver of glass
That is optimism in my heart

I struggle to sweep the
Remaining fragments of my dream
Strewn in explosion
A world of hope to redeem

Broken like branches of a tree
That has slowly bent and withered
I am crippled by the performance
So cruelly delivered

Broken is my spirit
Reparation unlikely to come
Broken is this heart
The grief to which I must succumb

Christine Bolton

In response to today’s Word Prompt – Broken

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Downward Spiral

The feeling of hopelessness
Covers me in its dark shroud
I am dragged into this pit
Of gloom and I go willingly

The barometric pressure of the day
Is wreaking havoc in my mind
Confusion has become a familiar companion
On my journey into this wilderness

Clarity is nowhere to be found
As I stumble on the rocks of desperation
Blindly searching for reasons why
My life has put me here

Spiraling downward out of control
I reach for something to break my fall
Words of reason are lost in this fog
Incomprehensibly jumbled and out of my grasp

My ascent from this purgatory
Is hindered by such feelings of despondency
With my energy drained
I fear I will drown in my misery

In time the greyness of the sky
Pulls me slowly from the blackness
The accompanying wind pushing me up
So that I may breathe again

Christine Bolton

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Pedigree

Pedigree

You do what you always do
When confusion fills your head
The pain in your gut is real
And I begin to fear with dread

The cross hairs of your frustration
Had me squarely in its sight
You took aim and fired
I fell victim to its flight

You were doing what was taught
The apple does not fall far from the tree
Your mother’s anger toward you
Is now aimed at me

It causes such pain in our lives
But you cannot help your ancestry
No more than I can
Because this is our Pedigree

The lessons were taught
When we were so young
We have to break the cycle
Before more harm is done

The family tree is responsible
For more than we would care to choose
Our lineage defines us
And it is not so easy to lose

Christine Bolton

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The Dark Mind

The Dark Mind

Why is it possible for someone, who appears to have everything, to be depressed?  Why does this happen to people who, to those looking in, seem so happy and content with their lives?

At times in our lives we have all experienced a form of depression and for the most part we understand what has been the cause.  Severe emotional distress can send us spiraling downwards.  While some of us manage to bounce back from isolated incidents with rational thinking and processing, many cannot do so. Depression can manifest itself in many different ways and is easily mistaken for tiredness, laziness and even rudeness.  Finding any one thing to pinpoint the cause of depression can also be confusing for the sufferer.  Like many other disorders, clinical depression falls on a continuum, from mild to moderate to severe. A mildly depressed person might feel badly a lot of the time but manage to keep up appearances, whereas a severely depressed person often can’t drag himself or herself out of bed.

I too have had moments of deep sadness, loneliness and confusion but I was fortunate in that I found my way out of the tunnel by writing. I do know someone who suffers from inexplicable depression at times.  They find it difficult to explain to non-sufferers and would like nothing more than to be free of those dark feelings.

Below is a poem that I wrote some years ago to describe how I was feeling.  It was a confusing and difficult time for me.  The writing helped and I encourage anyone struggling with feelings of sadness to do the same.  It does not have to take the poetic form; it can be a journal entry where you just let the pain or confusion you are feeling to spill on to a page.  I always find it beneficial to keep writing and not stop until I have exorcised all my thoughts.  Depression however is a very serious condition and I do not want to make light of it.  If you know of someone who is suffering with depression or anxiety please urge him or her to get professional help.

I hope in some small way that you will find this helpful.

Thank you for reading.

Christine

The Dark Mind

I wake with the cloud over my head
I think perhaps it is fear
Which sucks me into the abyss
Where it is impossible to navigate
The way back to sanity

I do not understand
I’m not sure what to do
I must leave this place
And exorcise these feelings
Of impending disaster and failure

My gloomy thoughts need obscurity
The desire for solitude calls me outside
To the soothing blackness of the night
A chill is in the air
And the rain falls in silence

Darkness comes quickly, consuming me
Casting a shadow on the beauty
That is my life
I walk quickly bracing against
The unexpected sudden chill

Collecting the somber thoughts in my head
I ask why does this happen
When everything is so perfect?
There is no reason for my complicated state
So why do I have to carry this albatross on my back?

With a resentful tolerance and
Comprehension of my shortfalls
I accept what is not perfect in me
Knowing there is no explanation
So I will send this unwanted burden on its way

Christine Bolton

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From a Dark Place

I wrote this poem at a low point in my life when I had experienced emotional pain.  I felt helpless in my situation and was sure my heart was broken irreparably and my head would certainly explode.  When I look back on poems such as this, I am always so taken aback by the darkness of my thoughts and the sheer helplessness that I felt at that time. I eventually got beyond the hurt and was able to live a happy life again, but I find it quite shocking to revisit that state of mind.  Just the act of writing down these feelings has proven to be therapeutic.  It shows me that by letting my words flow onto paper, to describe those emotions and question why, I was able to heal and move on.

I hope these words of mine will somehow resonate with you.

Despair

The darkness came so suddenly
Enveloping me and dragging me into a pit of despair
Blinded and scratching for clarity
Shocked by the swiftness of events, I call to you
You do not hear

You do not listen, you are closed
What is evident is your hurt and anger
As much as I try, you resist me
I want to help and heal your wounds
That were so carelessly inflicted in your past

Dazed and confused
I am lost without you
My love spurned and my efforts rejected
My promise to keep you safe from future pain
Falls on deaf ears

The loss of you is too much to bear
My hurt is deep
Like the slice of a knife through my heart
It will not heal
I did not know how broken you were
And now I know to my detriment

Christine Bolton

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